Questioning myself

Note to Self:

The greatest asset of human consciousness is also our greatest Achilles heel . The human ability to create. Unfortunately I have the ability to create story lines that are complete crap. They don't serve my life, in truth. They serve some aspect of my desires my attachment to future outcomes...or a desire to see the past in a certain light. The truth is, that we never know the absolute truth...I can never totally know the ins and outs, and inner workings of the other peoples minds that I am intertwined with on a daily basis. Everybody has their own motivating factors.. and when it's all mixed up it becomes a stew...and it can be confusing.

I've had to work through my own delusions (and still have to), day by day. I am all ways questioning myself. There are usually several possible ways to view a situation. If I am attracted to a particular view, why? 

Does it serve my ego? (does it help establish my identity) 

Does it let me off the hook? (allowing me to avoid fear of facing myself) 

Does it establish my own sense of importance? 
(even if it's falsely assuming that other people are against me). 

Does it give me a sense of purpose? 
(even if it means struggling against the world).

Do I KNOW all of the facts? Is "my view" true?


Jesus, Buddha, Moses and countless other spiritual (psychological) teachers have all said basically the same things. What they all amount to is essentially this: You people are crazy.

Yes, it seems that they were essentially all telling us that the common self-centered human view of reality is incorrect. That our limited, self serving viewpoints actually can do us much more harm than good.... and that they cause stress and block us from our true potential. 

Unfortunately, over time, identity can become so aligned with these delusions that in order to let go of the delusions, it can also mean letting go of identity. The very essence of my concept of self. No matter how you slice it, that is not easy. It requires self forgiveness, self love and it's really helpful to have the understanding and help of those close by too. (I needed it.)

It can be hard to admit that a path long traveled, was incorrect. It's hard to admit that my motivations and intentions didn't match my desired outcome. Sometimes it's only by achieving the goal that I can see it wasn't really what I was after. The only path to freedom though is to burn through those delusions one by one, and with each step come closer and closer to the truth within myself. 
(Ultimately it's all for love, isn't it?) 

In my view, the future and past are to a large extent delusions... Why? Because they are colored by my viewpoint and my attachments and expectations, and story lines of a narrative that I desired. The only true clarity is in the present moment.

We all dream and create, it's part of the beauty of life and humanity.. Now, before and during the dream...always ask the important questions: Who does this serve? What is my intention? Am I still on the path of truth (love) ...without stress?

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past,worry about the future, or anticipate troubles,
but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."

- Buddha

Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.

See, I have set before you this day life and good, death and evil... I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse; therefore choose life.

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Just a personal note: There is nothing new under the sun. I am just attempting to present info. here that has helped me. I hope to present it in a clear way based on my experience with anxiety which was a spiritual, psychological and emotional awakening for me. In retrospect of this experience I have been reading as much as I could to come to a deeper and more grounded understanding of this seemingly mystical thing that happened to me (so that I could share it with you). I'm not a doctor or a scientist. Please know this is only my experience. Yours will obviously be different, but since my experience was so similar to others I've talked to, I am hoping this may be helpful or useful to you in some way. It's also a way that I hope to share the love with you. That is my purpose here.

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