Love is what we all want. We spend our lives working, working at jobs..working to grow our talents.. working to become something...working to build our identity...working to be pretty, handsome, smart...working to make more money ...working to become worthy...working to create conditions and circumstances in which we can love...or be loved.. working to create relationships and families where we can love... and somehow at the the end of of this grand quest of "becoming" we also hope to feel worthy of love ourselves.
So, did you do it? Did you create the life and love you wanted?
It seems to me that the rub is that no action or accomplishment leads to love. No "doing" leads TO love. This is what the ego thinks..
No one can "get" love.. We can give it. We can receive it.
From the space of the ego, trying to "get" love is to also admit the perception of separation from it. It is also by default the space of lacking love and respect for myself. (Of course, that's not the most conducive energy for attracting positive interactions either.) In contrast, by learning to love and respect and understand myself, I have the freedom to give love and receive love freely.
Isn't to know, understand and be kind to myself a gift that only I can truly give myself? (...and isn't it only from this place that I can truly be kind to others?)
In my view, "Wrong action" sees love as an outcome.. an outcome of "doing". "Right action" is only motivated by the intention to BE an extension of love... via service. Service is "doing" where the love is already realized.
Theoretically speaking there is nothing happening, there is no time passing...except that we are on a journey to realize Love. If, G-d is the Alpha and the Omega the beginning and the end.. and G-d is Love.. then isn't to truly realize Love, to transcend the limit of time...and all beginnings and endings? Now, then, is the time to live and Love. In my view, Love is an energy and not just a philosophical ideal or a theory. Our absence of realizing this energy within ourselves puts us on a journey of actions (karma) to reinstate the love and energy we feel we are missing or have lost. In turn, these actions become prophesy fulfilling behavior patterns that seek to satisfy our own internal conditions (emotions, and the desires of the ego) by affecting external circumstances in the physical world.
It's a zero sum game.
The trouble is love is not in the external. It doesn't exist in circumstances or in the conditions or expectations and attachments to another's behavior. Love is internal and can only be truly realized in that space by each person. Once realized, then perhaps from that space we can share our internal love, but we cannot acquire external love from another.
In my personal life, my pursuits in music and ultimately a career started as way to get love.. to fulfill my sense of self.. and try to find a sense of self esteem. Subconsciously, I wanted to be special. I think we all do at some level.. We forget how valuable we really are. I needed to achieve something in order to fulfill my sense of self worth. The thing is the more I achieved, it was never enough. It never felt solid. I never felt like I had reached that pinnacle. So, I wasn't really grateful. When people would compliment me for my work I couldn't believe it. (but I sure did when they were critical..ha) In my head, I would find ways to criticize myself, and beat up on myself and tell myself that I wasn't good enough. After all, how could I believe them when my view of myself and fulfilling these external circumstances didn't match? I told myself it was a way of getting better and of motivating myself..but, in reality, it was just tearing me down and feeding on the wrong energy. The energy of fear. As a result of my experience with anxiety and awakening, I have been able to let that go. I am able to see that I am here to share what I can at the level I am at... I have learned to be grateful for the opportunities I have..whether it it's playing music for two people, ten or a thousand. Self serving ambition died when I realized that fulfilling my sense of self esteem and self love can really never happen through something I "do". Now, though, I am grateful for each experience and opportunity and for music, and anything else I can do, that are hopefully a vehicle of service to share and spread love. Yes, I have to re-focus myself from time to time. Yes, it's easy for ego to creep back in. Yes, it's easy to see certain circumstances as failures that reflect on me... but ultimately I know that's not true. That's why I try to stay with daily practices to keep my mind and heart on the right track.
The illusion of time: past, present and future all exist together
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice; in practice there is. _ Anonymous
Work is Love made visible - Kahlil Gibran
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Just a personal note: There is nothing new under the sun. I am just attempting to present info. here that has helped me. I hope to present it in a clear way based on my experience with anxiety which was a spiritual, psychological and emotional awakening for me. In retrospect of this experience I have been reading as much as I could to come to a deeper and more grounded understanding of this seemingly mystical thing that happened to me (so that I could share it with you). I'm not a doctor or a scientist. Please know this is only my experience. Yours will obviously be different, but since my experience was so similar to others I've talked to, I am hoping this may be helpful or useful to you in some way. It's also a way that I hope to share the love with you. That is my purpose here.