Facing the Darkness

Violence (physical, verbal or emotional) is a sign of internal weakness. It's a substitution of physical (or other negative) expression for a lack of ability...or fear...to express my truest internal feelings. It is a response to feeling trapped in a situation or experience that I don't feel I have the ability to change. Sometimes it's expressed externally towards others, or internally through destructive behavior. (Maybe it's the last stage in a battle within yourself?)

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Everyone feels justified...that they are defending a their point of view. A view..or situation that (they feel) no one understands or empathizes with. Surely, no one will forgive you for desiring something outside of the "rules"...or getting the what you feel that you "deserve"?! (The core I think we all really want is just love and respect)

I realized this when I faced the darkness myself. The darkness inside that told me I was a victim. I was a victim of anothers inability to love me. I was a victim of bad breaks in life. I was a victim of unfairness. I was a victim of my own choices. A victim of the system. These voices of victimhood grew stronger until I was confronted with the choice do something about it...or lose faith in myself. Lose faith in my very ability to get what I deserved...or to experience love...respect...acceptance. Did I really have any other options? I realized as the anger seethed and began to take over my being that I was not that victim. It scared the shit out of me. I realized in that moment of horror, the horror of seeing the darkness manifest in me, that I had been listening to the wrong voice all the time. That those thoughts were not "me" and that the viewpoint I had indulged for so long was not only NOT accurate, but there thousands more viewpoints that I could choose from that would better serve me. Many other actions I could CHOOSE. I realized in that moment of darkness that I was NOT my mind. I was NOT my thoughts, and I didn't have to listen to these thoughts anymore. I was not limited to what they were telling me. In fact by transcending them, I was unlimited. This involved letting go. Letting go of my attachment to the way I expected my life to go and letting go of my attachment of who I wanted to "be".

The mind tells us many things. Everyday we are inundated with images that tell us what our life should be like, and that if we don't have item x or y that we must be a loser. Advertisers have concocted an ingenious plan to keep us dissatisfied...and it's very profitable. It tells us that if we don't have certain things we must be unworthy... or the media tells us we're a victim (of the current government, or some other particular group.) We are told we won't have security if we aren't winning at the game that has been created by society. We are told that we won't have love if we can't demonstrate our worth. This is sold back to us daily with distorted, fantastical images of sexuality, violence and power.

Is this a conspiracy? Yes, I think it's a conspiracy that we have all enacted on ourselves. A conspiracy to make up on the outside for what we might lack on the inside. So, we, "society", have created a world of have's and have-nots. A world of desire, and temporary satisfactions. A world of imaginary (and very temporary) winner's and losers.

This is all bullshit. No one can sell you what is already yours. No one can sell self-respect ...or self acceptance via products and material things. No one can sell self-love (or any kind of Love). No one can sell a true intimate connection with an intimate partner ...or any other human beings. NO ONE. It can't be bought.

Who's fault is it? Let's blame someone!!  
It's no ones. ...and everyones. 
The good news is that I....WE, collectively and individually hold the power..
I alone hold the power to choose.

We all have a choice. Ultimately we all choose our actions. Ultimately we all choose to react to negative thoughts, or ignore them. Ultimately I can choose thoughts of fear, poverty or low self-worth, victimhood...or I can choose thoughts of self-love, self worth, gratitude and service. I can meet my life where it is. Ultimately we are responsible for the world, the community, the neighborhoods etc.. that we create. 

The outer world reflects our inner world. 

When I faced some of my deepest darkest fears, angers and more I clung to some of these quotes that helped me remember.

God (Love, The Life force of the Universe) has not given me the spirit (thoughts) of fear, but of Love, power and a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

You have nothing to fear, but fear itself. -FDR


Here's a good description about facing that inner darkness.

Pema Chödrön - Why I Became a Buddhist


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Just a personal note: There is nothing new under the sun. I am just attempting to present info. here that has helped me. I hope to present it in a clear way based on my experience with anxiety which was a spiritual, psychological and emotional awakening for me. In retrospect of this experience I have been reading as much as I could to come to a deeper and more grounded understanding of this seemingly mystical thing that happened to me (so that I could share it with you). I'm not a doctor or a scientist. Please know this is only my experience. Yours will obviously be different, but since my experience was so similar to others I've talked to, I am hoping this may be helpful or useful to you in some way. It's also a way that I hope to share the love with you. That is my purpose here.

 

 

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