Be Innocent, be open

Note to Self:

Be innocent, be open, like a child (not the same as naive). Be willing to ask questions and face things you don't quite understand. Release expectation and attachment. Your willingness to be vulnerable is a strength. My experience tells me that this is where our true power lies as human beings and the ability to be free internally. 

To find this freedom I first had to give up everything...especially my pride.

I was recently having a phone conversation, the conversation had just started and the person had to go abruptly...they didn't say why...they didn't call back. My feelings were hurt. I told myself they thought I wasn't important. ..or that they thought that I thought they weren't important.. The truth is I had no idea what their exact circumstance was... (they never explained) but I still felt unimportant. I had expectation for what I wanted in this moment, to connect with this person... and my attachment and expectation to that was dashed. 

My first ego reaction was to start defending, to psychoanalyze the person..or judge them.. to tell myself they weren't capable of a conversation or intimacy... I jumped to these conclusions and created these "stories" in order to protect myself. I realized though that I was being sensitive, and unrealistic about what actually happened (I realized this after I quit listening to my internal stories). I realized that the process of defending and creating these internal stories was actually the process of building ego, building stress and "storytelling" (..which is basically lying to myself in order to protect myself from emotional hurt). 

This IS falling "asleep". Maybe not in one incident... but over time they add up. It's easy to build "go to" reactions, patterns and stories to these types of hurts. It's harder sometimes..but being vulnerable in these circumstances is exactly what's required to stay "open". Instead of closing down, to speak your true feelings...or at least think though those feelings with the intent of communicating and then look at those stories that are created in your mind and ask "are they really true?" As I begin to look at these stories (that my mind creates) many times they turn out to be drastically incomplete, which, of course makes them impossible to be completely true. My ego usually fills in a story line as it relates to "me". In reality though, there are many, many possibilities. There are so many factors to consider: what is the other person is going through?, what are the stories in their own head they might be reacting to?, what are the real life logistics they might be encountering?  etc.. etc... etc... 

The bottom line is all these possible factors fall into the realm of "I don't know".   

I've noticed that the longer I let these "stories" go.. the harder it is to speak the truth... or even find it again... The "stories" gain power, and create confusion.. and can ultimately take on a life of their own.

In the process of understanding myself, I have found that it's important to stay open.. being open requires being vulnerable and speaking my truth... and looking at it.  This requires courage. Sometimes A LOT. This could be embarrassing or require facing my own emotions in front of another person. This vulnerability is not weakness, this vulnerability is true strength. This willingness to be open ultimately allows me to be honest with myself..


“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.” ~ Sigmund Freud

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Just a personal note: There is nothing new under the sun. I am just attempting to present info. here that has helped me. I hope to present it in a clear way based on my experience with anxiety which was a spiritual, psychological and emotional awakening for me. In retrospect of this experience I have been reading as much as I could to come to a deeper and more grounded understanding of this seemingly mystical thing that happened to me (so that I could share it with you). I'm not a doctor or a scientist. Please know this is only my experience. Yours will obviously be different, but since my experience was so similar to others I've talked to, I am hoping this may be helpful or useful to you in some way. It's also a way that I hope to share the love with you. That is my purpose here.

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