Into a dream

A few months ago I had a dream that woke me up around 5am. The dream, which I still remember vividly, was me in a ballroom, dancing around with characters. These characters were cartoonish, almost like characters from Alice in Wonderland. There were giant teapots, clowns and entities that really had no shape or form. We were in a ballroom, and there was light coming in from windows and a garden. In the dream I knew that these entities, and characters were all fears. I remember dancing for a while in the ballroom, knowing that I could control them with my mind, just by not interacting with them, and that there really was nothing to fear from them. They were immaterial, just caricatures created by my mind, representatives in my psyche. Then I got tired of being there and decided to run. There was a staircase in the corner of the room, and I ran for it. The staircase lead me down away from the ballroom and away from the light of the windows.  As I went down the winding staircase, I felt relief at being away from these characters, these "fears" were behind me. As I ran down the staircase the light became dimmer as I descended into the darkness of the winding stairwell. The walls were also closing in gradually, inch by inch with each flight of stairs. The walls were made of egg crate foam. Eventually, I could hear these entities, these "fears" running down the stairs after me. The walls were very close now and the egg crate foam on the walls was squeezing in on both sides. It was very dark now and I couldn't run any more. I would have to turn and run back up. I would also have to fight these fears on the way back up. I sensed they had grown in strength and could hear them laughing as they descended. It would be an uphill battle going back up. I knew I could do it though, I had done it before. I had learned to dance in the presence of those fears like they weren't there. It was only when I ran, that they gained in power.

In real life, I faced many overwhelming fears in the heart of my anxiety and awakening process and occasionally still do. I faced fears of my own perceived inadequacies. I faced fears of letting down other people. I faced fear of my own selfishness and desires and the guilt and shame that went with that. Fear that just being me was not enough to be loved. Fear that showing the real me would result in rejection. Many times facing these fears was horrifying and felt very real. I gradually learned though that when I faced my fears they lost power, they disappeared or shrank. Gradually, I began to be more empowered to just be ME and not allow these fears to control me. By facing my fears I could change my behavior and be comfortable outside of my comfort zone (this box that framed my perceived identity and reality.) There truly is nothing to fear, but fear itself. It's a daily process and a daily realization, for me, to Choose Love and not fear in every moment.

As I laid there in bed thinking about this dream, this poem came to me. I spoke it out into my iphone so that I would remember it.

Into a dream:

Follow me dear child into sleep
you will see this life is the dream we keep

this dream we keep that seems so real
we touch and taste, think and feel

but there is a piece we often miss and that piece goes something like this
in our desperate quest to run from fear, so many times we draw it near

and when we try to withdraw or run, really the inevitable has just begun
so stop and look, don't be afraid, the road ahead is the one you pave

so pave it with kindness, goodness and cheer
and remember the kingdom of heaven will always be near

now turn, cast your eyes upon the sun
and let your thoughts scatter, all but one

and in that one, hold this thought dear
know that love will always conquer fear

so far, there has been only one to make this run
some know his story as the Son

he faced his fear, love's true test
Courage has joined the East and West

so once again seek stillness of mind
and in your heart it's peace you will find

in the depths of your soul you will find this link
from your weakness and vulnerability, you will find true strength

now see this in all of humankind
and stay fixed on the truth 
never again be blind.


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Just a personal note: There is nothing new under the sun. I am just attempting to present info. here that has helped me. I hope to present it in a clear way based on my experience with anxiety which was a spiritual, psychological and emotional awakening for me. In retrospect of this experience I have been reading as much as I could to come to a deeper and more grounded understanding of this seemingly mystical thing that happened to me (so that I could share it with you). I'm not a doctor or a scientist. Please know this is only my experience. Yours will obviously be different, but since my experience was so similar to others I've talked to, I am hoping this may be helpful or useful to you in some way. It's also a way that I hope to share the love with you. That is my purpose here.

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