My "Awakening" in a Nutshell

I've mentioned my "awakening" a few times in this blog. So, what does this mean to me? Quite honestly, if someone had told me before this experience that I wasn't "awake". I would have thought it was a retarded idea. 

So what does awake mean to me? For me it was a realization (which is still evolving). A realization that I am not the contents of my mind. I mean those contents are entirely useful to me, but at a previous time in my life I was being controlled by them because I thought I WAS them. It was important for me to come to the realization that I was NOT my thoughts.  Also, that I did not have to believe everything I think. My psyche is composed of different parts. At the time I thought I was just one part that I called "me". I came to realize the part I thought was "me" was not the actual ME.  

Say what?!? How can this be? This is my view of it now. I am two main parts:  My Ego, and Higher Self

I think a great analogy is to use a computer analogy. After all, our brains are computers in some sense. In the digital world we have hardware and software. I came to see the "software" that I had constructed for my self as the true "me". That was only partly the truth, because just like my computer all of those scripts and programs are subject to change. If I change all of the programs on my computer is my computer still my computer...right? It may function slightly differently, but it's essence is still the same.

The software part of me is what I now call my Ego. Right before this "awakening" process, I had come to a time in my life that I was really not happy with who I was, professionally or personally. All of the energy I had put into being who I wanted to be was just not quite panning out the way I felt like it should. I felt like a professional and personal failure. In fact, I hated myself and it was eating me up. My marriage was shit, and I felt like a loser financially. Although, I had achieved some wonderful things in music, I felt at a loss and none of it filled me up. I had not really come to a full realization that these were even my feelings about myself. I masked these feelings with pride, anger, judgements or the force of my will. It was a painful, unconscious way of NOT looking at myself in the full light of truth. I suffered physically because of it too. I now see that the stress of these painful, unconscious ideas about myself were also manifesting physically as stress in my body. I had high blood pressure, digestive issues, low energy and more. I felt old and burnt out. Finally, I hit the wall. Something had to give. The process of "awakening" was not pleasant. It came about from a time of deep meditation. It opened a window into my soul which gave me a vantage point for these new realizations. As I came to some of these, it felt like I was dying. I was filled with anxiety and dread as I faced many of my personal demons face to face. I now feel this was the process of my ego dying. It was a mental and it was a physical process. (I'll go into this more in another post.) Ultimately, I had to let go of everything I thought was me and submit my will totally and completely to the will of the Universe. The death of the old me opened space for the new. 

The hardware part of me, my truest essence, is what I came to call my Higher Self, the right brain. By "hardware part" I don't mean my physical body, but the essence of my consciousness. My awareness, pure and simple. i.e. ..I am here now and it is what is! No self judgements. In the space of self loathing and self conscious thoughts I now had the ability to just BE. To not worry if I didn't live up to what I thought I wanted others to think of me. I am just me and I forgive myself for my faults, knowing that my highest intention is to love others as perfectly as I can. Yes, sometimes I fail and that's not always easy. The only human I know of who stands as a pure example this was Jesus Christ (Yeshua), and it's pretty clear it wasn't easy for him! So, I try to forgive myself when I fail, accept grace and try to make it right.

Coming through the anxiety, fear and depression of this awakening was one of the hardest times of my life and I am still working with it. The other side of it was totally worth it though. I felt younger. More joyful. Happy from the inside out. Euphoric!! Grateful for the grace I had in my life and for every moment I had to share. I found a way I could love myself so that I could love others too. That's what I believe we're all here for anyway. To love each other. To give love, and to receive love and to treat others the way we want to be treated. I was open to a new dimension of my adult life, but in a way I felt I was just remembering the basics from an earlier more innocent time. Returning to the mind of a child. 

My goal, with sound therapy (and whatever I am doing) is to hopefully be able to help others to be in that same space within themselves. To find the space of relaxation, ease and letting it all go. I believe sound therapy can be one tool among many to let go of the stresses caused by our Ego, our left brain interpreter and to open fully to the awareness of our Higher Self. The essence of Love. The essence of wholeness, both mentally and physically.

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Just a personal note: There is nothing new under the sun. I am just attempting to present info. here that has helped me. I hope to present it in a clear way based on my experience with anxiety which was a spiritual, psychological and emotional awakening for me. In retrospect of this experience I have been reading as much as I could to come to a deeper and more grounded understanding of this seemingly mystical thing that happened to me (so that I could share it with you).  I'm not a doctor or a scientist.  Please know this is only my experience.  Yours will obviously be different, but since my experience was so similar to others I've talked to, I am hoping this may be helpful or useful to you in some way. It's also a way that I hope to share my love with you. That is my purpose here.


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